Tuesday, September 17, 2013

S is for stupid

I pride myself on being intelligent. When I was younger, I felt really smart. I did well in my classes and my teachers appreciated my work and my demeanor. I think that for the most part what they really enjoyed was that I was quiet and obedient.  As I grow older, I realize that I am not smart at all. I'm in fact, pretty stupid.

I have no real understanding of finances, I do not excel at a crafts. I find crafts useless most of the time. I cannot finish a video game. I am often incapable of doing my job correctly and make numerous mistakes a day. I cannot seem to make any continual effort to write.

I'm stuck where I am. I am lucky that I am alive and breathing. That I have clothes to wear. Although a lot of them don't fit and I seem incapable of keeping myself on a healthy diet and exercise plan in order to loose the 60 plus pounds that I have gained in the past 8 years.

I have nothing that makes me special and unique beyond my DNA and fingerprints.  I am average. Horribly, awfully average.

My attempt at writing this blog is pure futility.  While I have gotten a little bit more prolific, I still don't write much and I'm not even sure what to write about.  Why write when no one will read or care about what you have posted?  When doing so will get you in trouble with who knows who.

There is a voice inside my head that I wish I could turn off. It says, "You're stupid. You're stupid. You're stupid!"

I wish I was joking. I wish this was fiction, but it is not.


Lydia said...

Well, Susan, this post hurts my heart. You are absolutely not stupid. You are a wonderful daughter of God. And every time my son watches the Peanuts movies, I think of you and your contagious laugh and smile. Albert Einstein once said "Strive not to be a success, but rather to be of value." I'm sure you have mucho value with your children and husband. Being a mom to littles is hard, and Satan loves to fill our head with insecure thoughts when we are tired to take us to dark places. I know I have been there far too many times. Much love. I hope to see more from you on this blog in the future.

Susan said...

Thanks Lydia. I'm going through a lot right now. I appreciate the kind thoughts.

I decided to write this down in hopes of uncovering it, in a way. The things that stay in my head and don't get out seem to be the most poisonous.